Jeremy's Journey- A Male's Battle with Bulimia and Anorexia

The more things change the more they stay the same

2009-12-31T11:01:00.002-06:00

It has been more than one year since I updated this blog. Most of it has to do with my utilizing Facebook, but also, nothing has really changed. How boring. I noticed my story is on many Asian websites. Fortunately or unfortunately, I cannot read them. I hope you all have a happy new year. Mine promises more of the same.

J

Horton Hears a Who

2008-12-24T21:17:00.002-06:00

I just bought the pictured stuffed animal at Macy's. It brings me some happiness and I almost brought it with me on my errands today. Pathetic, I know.

I SHould Have Posted this Many Months Ago

2008-12-17T00:39:00.003-06:00

I broke my Santa Coookie Jar

2008-12-03T20:01:00.002-06:00

Now Christmas is done for me

Things I Miss About Christmas

2008-12-03T01:12:00.004-06:00

1,) waiting to see what Santa put in my stocking, I especially liked the Lifesaver storybook.
2.) Seeing if Santa ate any of our cookies
3. ) Trimming the tree with my Grandparents and spending the subsequent weekend with them.
4,) Playing poker
5.) Opening gifts
6.) eating dinner and christmas cookies, expecially peanut butter blossoms...hint hint.
7.) Those cool Advent calenders that gives you a treat for each window you open.

Where is the Christmas Spirit?

2008-11-30T20:10:00.003-06:00

My soul really needs the Christmas spirit back which has been lacking for many years. I don't have the wherewithal to do anything. My eating disorder steals all my time. I don't Even time to find my scattered decorations between my many storage lockers and my grandmother's basement. Please help me recapture the magic of Christmas.

Jeremy

So Much to Say

2008-11-19T19:45:00.001-06:00

Sorry I haven't updated...like forever. But I just have so much to post about that I don't know where to start. So I will not say anything for now. But I will post again once I get my thoughts in order. In the meantime, thank you to all who continue to send me support.

Jeremy

I'm Still Here

2008-09-29T16:09:00.003-05:00

Just haven't updated my blog for awhile. I have been looking for a job, doing lunches with my grandma, and seeing a lot of movies. I really need a job though, although I know this is a difficult time in the workforce. Thanks for all of your care and support.

Last Day at Stat Fair

2008-08-31T19:20:00.001-05:00

Who wants to hang with me for awhile tomorrow at the Fair.

Jeremy

37 Years Young

2008-08-24T17:14:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday and my family so graciously took me to a very nice restaurant La Belle Vie for dinner. I also received many birthday greetings from well-wishers. Thank you to everyone who though of me on this very special day. Most people didn't think I would survive this long. But here I am and I look forward to my next birthday. I hope this year will be better than teh last one which was the most difficult in my life.

As Judge Judy Would Say.....

2008-08-12T14:53:00.002-05:00

Got a job? Get one. Right now I am looking for a part-time job to help pay the bills, yet maintain my social security benefits. However, it seems like no one wants to hire me, presumably based upon my appearance. I am more than qualified to be a cashier or a teller, two positions for which I was recently rejected. Any ideas?

Is This Asking Too Much?

2008-08-11T19:18:00.004-05:00

I want someone to come over and give me a hug.

Is This Asking Too Much?

2008-08-11T19:18:00.001-05:00

Always Remain Hopeful

2008-08-09T15:12:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day. I went to breakfast with my friend Perry. Then I went to see the movie, "Brideshead Revisited". I also found out that for my mom's birthday, I will finally see my brother and sister-in-law with whom I have been estranged for more than two years. I will also see my two beloved nieces-one I haven't seen for two years and the other I haven't met at all. This is one very important thing I want to take care before it becomes too late.

My birthday is coming up August 23rd and I want to go to La Belle Vie restaurant in Minneapolis. However, I think it might be a little pricey when someone else is paying. Any other ideas from the Minnesota readers. Actually, seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and two nieces will be the best gift I for which I could hope.

I am also looking forward to the Minnesota State Fair.

I Really Wish...

2008-08-06T15:41:00.002-05:00

that I could finish my book. I think it would help so many people.

I Really Wish...

2008-08-06T15:41:00.001-05:00

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

2008-08-06T15:40:00.000-05:00

I will use today's suffering in a way that will make me stronger and more compassionate.

Son of Ranbow

2008-08-06T15:33:00.002-05:00

I saw this movie today at the dollar theater. It was a good movie. I also went to a couple of antique shops and saw much that I wanted to buy. However, I exercised some restraint and didn't buy anything. I plan on going back. The lunchboxes and other retro, kitschy stuff caught my eye.

Still Looking.....

2008-08-04T15:34:00.003-05:00

I am still looking for a date to go to Valley Fair...anyone?

Lawrence Welk

2008-08-03T18:17:00.001-05:00

I'm watching Lawrence Welk and I can't change the channel.

Red Lobster II

2008-08-03T14:30:00.002-05:00

My grandmother, aunt and I dined at Red Lobster again. Our waiter was very nice, accommodating, and cute. The old Jeremy would have slipped him my number. The new Jeremy hasn't been with someone in almost 4 years.

Ghost Writer

2008-08-03T05:16:00.003-05:00

Any writer out there interested in collaborating on my book with me?

Wiped Out

2008-08-02T14:42:00.004-05:00

I haven't been sleeping very well since I've been at home, although it has been getting better. I also had a medical procedure yesterday that really wiped me out. Today I am taking it easy I went to the grocery store and checked out the Uptown Art Fair for a very brief moment. It was too hot to linger. The only thing I bought was kettle corn and snagged a bunch of organic samples and coupons that were being distributed

Saturday's Thought for the Day

2008-08-02T09:30:00.002-05:00

I will pay close attention to today's special moments and learn from them.

Shasta

2008-08-01T06:05:00.005-05:00

Does anyone know where I can buy those little 8 ounce cans of Shasta. I cannot find them anywhere. As a matter of fact, I can't find any Shasta.

Where is my Paul Frank Shirt?

2008-08-01T03:38:00.004-05:00

Now this is the drama I would rather deal with than the nightmare that was Anoka State. I ordered a Paul Frank Julius shirt in mid-April where Julius the monkey is break dancing. It was sent to Methodist Hospital where I was a patient for part pf that month. Than I was ambushed and handcuffed and taken to Anoka State. Anyway, neither Methodist nor Paul Frank Industries is taking responsibility for the loss of my shirt. I really want my monkey t-shirt. Where oh where has it gone?

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

2008-08-01T03:37:00.002-05:00

Being willing to feel the hurts of today is part of my recovery. (I feel like I have felt my share of hurts already).

Who Knew?

2008-07-31T07:32:00.002-05:00

I can actually sit down after finally withdrawing from that awful medication that I was forced to take at Anoka Prison. It is much more relaxing than pacing most of the day. Shame on the doctors and the courts who thought this would help me.

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

2008-07-31T01:55:00.002-05:00

I will share my hope today with someone else so that it will become stronger.

Red Lobster

2008-07-30T14:46:00.002-05:00

I am eating at Red Lobster with my mom and grandma enjoying my freedom. They say 'hi' to you all.

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

2008-07-29T03:20:00.001-05:00

Before I look around for more today, I will concentrate and appreciating and enjoying what I already have.

Torture Plan After Invasive Tube

2008-07-29T01:26:00.002-05:00

This is the torture plan that would have been implemented had I not been discharged on Wednesday. Thanks to the University of Minnesota Bioethics Committee's advice and counsel and Dr. Witterholt's subsequent discharging me from Anoka.

Anoka State Hospital Menu

2008-07-28T14:33:00.001-05:00

My Former Torture Plan

2008-07-27T16:36:00.005-05:00

thoughts?

Mark Gray

2008-07-27T14:58:00.003-05:00

I would also like to thank my attorney, Mark Gray, who stood by me through what were seemingly insurmountable obstacles. He was so impressed with my tenacity and persistence in getting a hearing before the University of Minnesota Bioethics committee.

Ross Newlund

2008-07-27T14:55:00.004-05:00

I would also like to thank my caseworker, Ross Newlund, who also in spite of our differences, is one of the smartest guys I know.

Dr. Robin Brown

2008-07-27T14:45:00.002-05:00

More thanks to Dr. Robin Brown, a psychologist at Anoka Prison, who finally became involved in my treatment and started treating me like a human being. She also agreed with my right to have choices in my treatment. Thank you for all of your support. I really looked forward to our daily check-ins. The picture isn't of Robin Brown, but this guy is good looking and he is a neuropsychologist.

Dr. Suzanne Witterholt

2008-07-27T14:40:00.003-05:00

A special shout out to Dr. W. who is in spite of our differences in opinion, one of the two most intelligent psychiatrists in the nation. The other would be Dr. Julie Lesser.

Hotdish on a Stick

2008-07-26T21:25:00.004-05:00

Does anyone want to go to Valley Fair and the State Fair with me?

Perfect Pine Cones

2008-07-26T05:36:00.003-05:00

One nice thing I did at the prison was collect four perfectly shaped pine cones like the ones I used to collect with my paternal grandmother.

People Often Ask Me.....

2008-07-25T18:39:00.002-05:00

....."Don't you want to look like you did when you were modeling?" I was about 55 pounds heavier. I am unsure of the answer to this question. Maybe a beater question would be, "Don't you want to be happy?"

And A Very Special Thanks...

2008-07-24T16:04:00.002-05:00

...to the University of Minnesota Department of Bioethics and all of those who attended the bioethics meeting for affording me the right to have my autonomy so I can live my life with dignity. The committee voted unanimously for me to have this precious right. You are all my angels-especially Mary Faith Marshall.

Mas Thanks are Due...

2008-07-24T14:15:00.002-05:00

to Julie and Lynn, and to all those who had to pace with me after my meals.

And How Could I Forget About...

2008-07-24T07:19:00.001-05:00

...."Sharon" whose colorful vocabulary I awoke to every a.m. She would utter such sweet nothings like, "My teeth are in my mouth," which is surprising because one of the staff thought the Fixodent was for brushing the dentures rather than affixing them. She would also call many of the staff "fucking assholes" which some of them are. Her other favorite phrase is "You fucking bastard." However, she liked me, at least based upon her statement, "I like this guy."

I will miss "Sharon" whose birthday was Tuesday. I even had some of her birthday cake. I hope she doesn't change a bit.

Another Shout Out...

2008-07-23T19:35:00.004-05:00

..to those staff who made my days barely survivable; Sandy, Laura, Jeff, Kim, Michelle, Vicki, Lee, and of course of one of the brightest clinicians I have ever met-Dr. Suzanne Witterholt. Thank you for everything.

Another Shoutsout Out...

2008-07-23T19:35:00.002-05:00

..to those staff who made my days barely survivable;

Another Shoutsout Out...

2008-07-23T19:35:00.001-05:00

..to those staff who made my days barely survivable;

Another Shoutsout Out...

2008-07-23T19:35:00.000-05:00

..to those staff who made my days barely survivable;

I'm Free

2008-07-23T15:30:00.002-05:00

I will update more later, but I just wanted to let you know that I am out of Hell aka Anoka State Hospital. Thanks need to be given to Mary Faith Marshall of the University of Minnesota Bioethics Department. It just goes tp shopw you that persistence does pay off.

It would be nice if someone reading this would call me

2008-06-24T16:37:00.003-05:00

at 952-993-5996.....Ready, set, dial. Just a random question, what does fresh air smell like or what does the sky look like?

god rest my soul

2008-06-24T10:57:00.002-05:00

.... If I have to go to Anoka where some of the staff treat you like vermin and it so stressful there that Hell would be preferable. I guess you could say I am in limbo right now with Anoka being hell and discharge to home being heaven. I am still expecting the latter to happen as it is gay pride this weekend.

good night

2008-06-21T20:53:00.002-05:00

I am going to bed now. Please wish me sweet dreams. I have my comfort shawl given to me by janet stark which is to give me hope, comfort, warmth, healing, and love to the receiver. I will be thinking about my going home Monday.

Please, please, please

2008-06-21T15:20:00.004-05:00

I have a chance to get out of this imprisonment in which I find myself and go to outpatient if some people see the light. Please God, help them to see the light so I can see the light. All I want to do is see a movie, go shopping, hang with my grandma, go kayaking, breathe some fresh air. Those with the power in their hands, I beg of you to let me do these things asap. It is the only ethical, moral, dignified, and humane thing to do. Thank Dr. Lesser for giving me hope about this plan. Think about all the things you have the freedom to do; going out on the lake, going to the mall, going for a bike ride, sleeping in your own bed, even getting your mail. I don't think that I am asking too much. I have been institutionalized most of my life (about 2000 days). Watch out Mall of America, here I come!

All I want........

2008-06-19T14:55:00.002-05:00

...is to go home....play scrabble with my grandmother, drive my car with my top down, go to, Target, etc. Instead, others have decided that I should rot in the hospital against my wishes and to live or die with dignity. Please call me at: 952-993-5996 if you know of a bioethics resource that will let me live of die with dignity. Being locked up at Anoka State Hospital, being tube fed and tied down, and forced to take medications that I don't want with no guarantee of sucess is not living or dying with dignity. If I lived in another state, I'd be in my own home now. Please help if you agree with me.

Still needing visitors

2008-05-26T05:02:00.003-05:00

... If jeremy is lucky enough to see your bright shiny faces. Please call him at: 952-993-5990 or write and or visit at: 6500 Excelsior Boulevard
Saint Louis Park, MN 55427

This shit can't be made up..,,.

2008-05-23T04:21:00.002-05:00

One of the patients at Anoka State Hospital was "Sharon" who I think suffered from dementia. Anyway, many of her colorful, commanding statements would also end in, "...you fucking asshole!" God bless her soul because those were my sentiments exactly.

Sharon also stole part of my cookie on several occasions that came in my snack bag which didnt bother me a bit. Sharon, I'll miss your colorful vocabulary, but you will be in my book.

I still can't stand it at Methodist Hospital. However, I have requested a point 17 hearing to be released from my damn civil committment. I deserve freedom. This inpatient bullshit is NOT the least restrictive option. In the meantime, please call, visit, or write: Methodist hospital
6500 Excelsior boulevard, EDI 8th floor
st. Louis park, mn. 55426
952-993-5990
ask for jeremy

please.....

2008-05-22T19:34:00.001-05:00

help me get out of Methodist. Call my attorney at 612-799-7434.
please....

Methodist Is Nice Enough

2008-05-22T02:28:00.002-05:00

... To give me one more try. At least I am out of the looney bin that is Anoka State Hospital. Boy do ihave stories. Please come visit here if you can. I an having a tough time .

Need More Help

2008-05-03T11:24:00.002-05:00

I just arrived back to Anoka yesterday and immediately the staff went back on their word about my belongings and privileges, etc. I became very upset and felt like a trapped animal so I pulled my tube out and ended up at the medical hospital. Now my future is uncertain as to my disposition or my medical condition. You can call me at: 612-236-6257

Jeremy

J-Tube

2008-05-01T01:44:00.002-05:00

They just shoved the j-tube into my stomach even though I had been eating. Now I won't even get the pleasure of eating. Please help me fellow readers to combat all of these drastic measures which are unnecessary.

Gratefully,

Jeremy

Please Help

2008-04-29T03:31:00.002-05:00

please call dr. Lesser at EDI and ask her to take me back: 952-993-5719 or dr. Witterholt at: 651-431-5000. There are forcing medications upon me as well as cutting me open to put a feeding tube inside me even though I am eating. Please help if you can. My spirit has been broken.
Jeremy

In State Hospital

2008-04-27T09:26:00.001-05:00

Please help me get out of this place. Petition, whatever.

Jeremy

Today is the day.

2008-04-16T15:14:00.002-05:00

I am crying as I write this. I have to go into the hospital today. Please call or write or visit 952-993-5990

Methodist Hospital
6500 excelsior Boulevard
Saint Louis PArk, MN 55426

I Am So Scared...

2008-04-14T16:15:00.003-05:00

..to go into the hospital again. I really don't think it is necessary. I hope all of you have already been so supportive can visit, call, and/or write. It would really mean a lot.

Love always,

Jeremy

I Hope This Spreads the Word....

2008-04-12T15:32:00.003-05:00

Inside Edition

In Case You Missed It

2008-04-11T06:31:00.003-05:00

Home Sweet Home....Not!

2008-04-09T08:24:00.001-05:00

It looks like I will need to go into the hospital next week for a short stay. If anyone would like to write/and or visit me, please let me know and I will give you details.

Gratefully,

Jeremy

Tooth Fairy

2008-03-31T16:08:00.002-05:00

Today I had a tooth pulled (another consequence of bulimia) and the tooth fairy wasn't very good to me. I found out that the teller position for which I recently applied was offered to other candidates. I felt sure, based on how well the interview went, that I would be offered position today. I really am disappointed and feel like a loser. I mean I can't get a entry level position anywhere.

No Regrets?

2008-03-28T16:23:00.003-05:00

I know that it is not useful to think about past regrets, I do have one that has resurfaced after seeing the movie, "21" today. The movie is about an MIT college student who was accepted into Harvard Medical School. Unfortunately, the only thing that was holding him back was the $300,000.00 tuition. It reminded me that I was accepted into the Georgetown University Edmund A. Walsh school of foreign service back in 1998. Nothing was holding me back except my own lack of courage since they were paying most of my tuition. Following is the essay that I composed as part of the application process for acceptance into Georgetown. Too bad I didn't have the balls to haul my timid ass to Washington, D.C.

March 9, 1998

Georgetown University
Office of Undergraduate Admissions
Washington, D.C. 20057-1002

Dear Sirs:

The following essay will describe events that have challenged me and tested my ability to overcome hardships in my life. Since I was twelve years old, I have struggled with an eating disorder. I was placed in many hospitals and treatment centers. This occurred on and off for about ten years with the length of hospitalization ranging from three months to eighteen months. During this time I learned a considerable amount about myself and better understand the reasons for my unhealthy habits and why I was exhibiting these behaviors.
During this trying period, I was able to participate in school on a limited basis. I feel that under the circumstances I did very well in keeping my grades up and making my studies a priority.
Although it was a struggle to overcome these obstacles, I am now using the positive aspects to influence my choices and decisions. I know that if I am accepted into Georgetown University, I will have the tools gathered from earlier experiences that will guide me in the realization of my goals that I have set for myself.
My focuses at the University of Minnesota have been on the U.S. Congress, American Foreign Policy, and foreign languages. I feel that my proven success in these disciplines will enable me to obtain a position in the diplomatic field where I can best utilize my skills for monitoring human rights violations. Furthermore, my successful completion of Spanish and French will allow me to interact in many different parts of the world.
I have realized many successes at the University of Minnesota. I was named to the Dean's list in the Spring of 1997 and the scholars list in the Fall of 1997. I currently hold a GPA of 3.91. I maintain frequent contact with my professors to monitor my progress in each class. Moreover, many of my professors are willing to provide recommendations for employment and internships.
Although my present academic institution is highly regarded in the political science field and many of the professors are recognized internationally, I feel the Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Service will give me the education necessary to succeed in the complex field of foreign policy and international relations. I also feel that the opportunity to attend college in our nations capitol would be an experience of a lifetime. Let me assure you that if I am accepted into your prestigious school I will work my hardest to make you proud of your decision. Indeed it would be an honor and a privilege to partake in an endeavor of academic excellence.
Please consider my application along with the requested materials and respond to the address following this correspondence at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Jeremy Gillitzer

Your Hired....?

2008-03-27T16:22:00.003-05:00

Today I had a job interview for a sales and service position at a bank withing walking distance of my home. It went really well and I think they will make me an offer. I only hope I can make it work with my required treatment appointments and sporadic hospitalizations. After my interview, I met a friend for lunch at the Mall of America. Of course, I went shopping afterwards, but didn't buy anything except a shirt. I hope you had a great day.

Lucky Ducky

2008-03-26T15:46:00.004-05:00

Today I met with many of my outpatient eating disorder team. First, I met with my medical doctor who used to be my family physician and now is ironically in the outpatient eating disorder clinic. She is so kind. I feel blessed to have her as a physician. Immediately following, I met with Dr. Gobar who is my psychiatrist while I am in outpatient. I have never met with him before and I was very impressed with his demeanor and sensitivity to my issues. Finally, I met with the dietitian Julie Mowery. I have been working with her since I first started going to EDI in 2000. She is one of the warmest, kindest, most gentle person that I know. She genuinely cares about her patients as do all of the aforementioned. EDI, Methodist Hospital, all of the patients served by this program, and especially me are lucky to have all of these professionals at their service. Although I cannot tolerate going into the hospital or even going to the day program or outpatient, it would be even more intolerable without these kind people. I hope they stay there for some time to come.

P.S. The picture of the Pink Flamingo is a character of Paul Frank's. I just like the picture. Also, the Pick Flamingo, especially the lawn ornaments from the 1950's, are a symbol of kitsch. I'm all over that. Not every photo has to be relevant to the topic at hand, right? By the way, did I ever mention that I am into Paul Frank?

Stoked

2008-03-25T16:51:00.003-05:00

I just bought the pictured Paul Frank iPhone case for my iPhone that I have dropped so many times already. I wish I would have had this when I first bought the phone. Oh well, at least it covers the scratches.

Thanks Are Due Again

2008-03-21T18:10:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all of the following people who helped me through another involuntary hospitalization. This shit has got to stop happening this way, but since it did, I owe a debt of gratitude to many people. First and foremost, thank you to Dr. Julie Lesser, arguably the best psychiatrist in the world, not only because of her impeccable credentials, but of equal import is her patience, her caring attitude, her integrity, and her skillful negotiating. I mean she went to bat for me with the Hennepin County Attorney to save me from a indescribable fate. She put up with me knocking on her office door when she was in session with other patients, my tearful pleas when in terrible distress, and my annoying need to have definite answers. She has literally saved my life. Once again, my hats off to you Dr. Lesser.

Second, I want to thank the other outstanding physicians at EDI especially Dr. Joel Jahraus who despite not being involved in much of the clinical aspects of the program, still manages to speak with me on a daily basis. I also want to thank Dr. Mangham who spends a relatively long time with me during daily rounds when most physicians are in and out before you can tell them that you haven't had a bowel movement in a week. Thank you to Dr. Vosti and Dr. Hoff for putting up with my annoying perception that they dislike me. The State of Minnesota and indeed the country are very lucky to have these eating disorder experts.

Third, I want to thank the care managers at EDI who include Kari Hentges, Kari Haeger, and Sally. They have put up with a lot of phone calls from me and have helped me to make wise decisions when I would have opted for not so wise choices. They even visited me when I was on the telemetry unit on their own time. Greg Fedio also visited me on the telemetry unit even though I am not in the program that he heads. I cherish his support and encouragement.

Fourth, I want to thank the nursing assistants and health educators who had to put up with me for hours at a time. Kelsey, thank you for putting up with my compulsive questioning about portion sizes, making sure that my coffee was hot, and for sitting by me at meals. I know that you secretly have a crush on me. Just kidding. Also thank you to Shannon, Melissa, Molly, Megan, and Kim for doing the same. Thank you to Lee Blum who is a kindred spirit. You already know why.

Fifth, I want to say thanks to the registered nurses who had the dubious honor of being my nurse for an 8 hour shift. Thank you to Sue who helped calm me down during some times when I was very agitated. Thank you to Liz who admitted me and made me as comfortable as possible. Thank you to Laurel who has the kindest soul I have ever encountered. I secretly also think she brought me a brand new electric shaver and put it under my pillow ostensibly from the Easter Bunny. Thank you to Val who led me to the breeder from whom I am buying my puggle. Thank you To Dee Dee who always has a smile on her face and has the most gentle soul. Thank you to Sandy who makes me laugh. Thank you to Cheryl, Natalya, Karen, Mary Ann, Diane. Patty and the rest of the nursing staff who hold one of the toughest jobs in the hospital. Thank you to the night nurses who I got to know better thanks to my insomnia. Thank you to Carol Tappen who gave me a gift card to Paul Frank for a minor, unintentional oversight of the nursing staff.

Sixth, a special thanks to the dietitians at EDI who hold the toughest and most thankless jobs on the unit. Betsey, Allison, Andrea and Kaycee. Thank you for putting up with my constant questioning of my meal plan, portion sizes and knocking on your door. You gals hold a special place in my heart.

Seventh, I want to thank the health unit coordinators who also put up with many administrative questions from me. Bobby, Jill, and Sarah..I love you guys.

Eighth, I want to thank some dear friends like Gary Russell, who brought me some belongings and my mail. I cherish our weekly breakfasts together. I also want to thank Bob Day who also brought me some mail and hauled some of my excess baggage home (no pun intended)so I would not have so much shit to haul home on discharge day. This despite him having a cold. I want to thank Sandrine AKA Feisty Frida who updated my blog.

Ninth, I want to thank my fellow patients who had to put up with breaking down in tears constantly and my constant need for reassurance. One of the patients even affectionately referred to me as her pocket gay or PG for short (again, no pun intended. You gals are some of the most courageous people in the world.

Tenth, I want to to thank my therapists, Laura Jaap, and all the therapists such as Nan, Deb, and Heather who will not let me get away with passing in group. Also, thank you to the chaplain Janet stark who has guided me spiritually through some difficult times.

Too Much Dramz

2008-03-21T14:39:00.002-05:00

Okay, so this is how I ended up in the hospital again. I had not been attending the Emily Program as outlined in my Stay of Commitment. As a matter of fact, I only attended two full days out of the 10 that were required. In addition, I had not kept appointments with the doctors and psychiatrist on an outpatient basis. In the meantime, I had lost a lot of weight and my potassium became critically low.

On Wednesday, March 12th, my attorney brought a motion to have my commitment vacated to a stay of commitment. However, once this motion was brought, there was a court order requiring that I be brought to a secure facility until a bed was available at Anoka State Hospital. This didn't make sense to me since my attorney brought the motion to have my commitment vacated to a stay. On Tuesday, March 11th, I found a business card stuck to my door from the County Sheriff asking me to call them about some "court papers". However, I knew that they wanted me to call them about coming back to apprehend me and bring me to a locked facility. Needless to say, I did not return the call. All afternoon and night I was on the lookout for the sheriff coming to get me. I stayed away from home and when I was home, I was hyper vigilant on the verge of paranoia. Who wouldn't be?

On the day of the hearing, I received a call from my attorney. The best he could do was have me checked out at the EDI at the Methodist Hospital Clinic. The agreement was that if I was medically stable, I could leave and go home until they had a bed at the inpatient hospital. I was very reluctant to go, but with much support from my family, I did make the appointment. However, the sheriffs still showed at the clinic and were ready to take me away even if I was medically stable. Apparently, they still had the old court orders to take me to Anoka State Hospital. Luckily or unluckily, my potassium was low and I was taken to a medical floor at Methodist Hospital and then taken to the eating disorder unit on Friday, March 14th. One week later, I am at home hoping for a job interview and buying a puppy. However, I have many conditions that I have to meet to keep my freedom. I will delineate these later.
The End

The Bitch is Back

2008-03-21T12:57:00.002-05:00

..and she is pissed. Just kidding.

Message from Jeremy

2008-03-16T22:28:00.003-05:00

Jeremy sent me an email today. He's been forced into the hospital again. Please send all good and positive vibes Jeremy's way.

Hurry home Jeremy, we miss you.

Love
Frida

Daily Meditation for Eating Disorders-March 10th

2008-03-10T17:08:00.003-05:00

Our weaknesses bring us closer to each other. Today I will let my weaknesses lead me to healing. Through our weaknesses, we learn to empathize with others which creates a connection. This is especially true within the blog community.

Granny's Game Time

2008-03-08T15:50:00.002-06:00

This past week, I have been playing Scrabble with my grandmother almost every day. I must say, I have been really enjoying the time we spend together. I might also add that I am becoming pretty skilled at this game. Also this past week, I received good feedback about a job prospect which I would have never entertained before because I would have worried about how it might interfere with my eating disorder behavior. Now my objective is quite the opposite-to find things to do so as not to binge and purge. I just wonder if my grandmother is getting tired of seeing me every day. If I start getting my hair did at JCPenney's every week, we know I am hanging out with granny too much.

Cheap F&&

2008-03-06T20:14:00.002-06:00

However, I would consider myself thrifty. To keep myself from engaging in my eating disorder behaviors, I have resorted to seeing a lot of movies. One theater I go to has $1.00 movies on Tuesdays. If you saw the theater, you would know why. Half of the seats in the theater do not return to their original position. The theater smells of urine, and there is a busload of people from a group home that are very loud. But where else can you get such an experience for $1.00?

The Jeremy of yesteryear would never have stepped foot in such a place. I guess I have evolved as a person.

Daily Meditation for Eating Disorders-March 6th, 2008

2008-03-06T16:34:00.002-06:00

We don't know what we can do until we try. Today, I will try new thinsg that will aid in my recovery. What will you do?

Daily Meditation for Eating Disorders- February 29th

2008-02-28T15:12:00.002-06:00

We can learn to reduce stress and tension. Wow, I really need to learn this one. Besides eating disorder symptoms, how do you reduce stress and tension?

Daily Meditation for Eating Disorders-February 27th

2008-02-27T15:43:00.002-06:00

Allowing others their individuality assures of us our own. I will try not to mold or change others so that I may remain my own person.

Daily Meditation for Eating Disorders February 25th

2008-02-25T19:26:00.002-06:00

If food isn't the answer, what is? For me, the answer is filling my soul with love, purpose, and family and friends. What is the answer for you?

First, Biyatch...

2008-02-25T09:10:00.004-06:00

I bet I am one of the first biyatches in the U.S. to have the new cologne by Dsquared thanks to Feisty Frida, my angel friend in Canada. The designers are from Canada and that is presumably why it was released their as well as Europe first. She also, god bless her heart, sent me a Rubik's cube, just like the one of many variations I used to have in the 80's.

I am so grateful for these beautiful gifts and do not feel worthy of her generosity. Thank you so much Frida.

Like Grandpa

2008-02-22T20:36:00.003-06:00

As I fondly recall (and my grandmother often reminds me) I wanted to be like my grandpa because he was my only good male role model when I was growing up. Therefore, of course, I begged my mother to buy me some polyester pants "like grandpa wears". This type of attire is unusual for a 6 year-old to wear, even in the seventies. However, she eventually acceded to my request and I received my first pair of polyester pants...just like grandpa. I think they were brown. Well that night, after I took them off, I had a huge rash all over my legs.. I had to explain to my grandpa that I wouldn't be wearing these types of pants anymore. I would have to stick to corduroys.

The other day, I was browsing through a vintage clothing store. I tried on some light orange polyester pants from the sixties and they actually fit. They are only $10.00 so I asked the sales clerk to hold them. I think I will buy them tomorrow as an homage to my grandpa.

Throwback

2008-02-22T17:51:00.002-06:00

I have been successful at trying to keep myself busy lately in order to avoid symptom use. I have been seeing a lot of movies always at a bargain price. More importantly, I have been spending more time with my grandmother, mother and aunt. My grandmother is a real throwback and that is one of the many things I love about her. She has had the same "grandma" hairstyle for the past 40 years. She still gets her hair did at JCPenney (you know, the curlers, sitting under the dryer, etc). She has a pathological aversion to technology. I could go on and on. I am proud to call her my best friend.

20,000

2008-02-21T11:21:00.002-06:00

Wow. I just had 20,000 hits on my blog. What should I do to celebrate? Maybe another lunchbox?

Doing OKay

2008-02-18T19:21:00.002-06:00

Snapped up this Disney World Lunchbox to add to my colletion. I will carry it with me wherever I go. F&^&^&^what others think. it is for my enjoyment.

Eat Your Dots...

2008-02-11T18:58:00.000-06:00

At least that is how you win at PACMAN. And that is what I need to do to win at life. I am doing okay. I haven't lost any weight since my most recent discharge, although I am still panifully thin. Okay, enough food and weight talk. The point is that I am doing pretty damn good considering. Oh...I almost forgot, I received the pictured lunchbox from Ebay today. I will use it to carry my lunch whenever I need to brown bag it. I might even use it as a "man" purse. Liek for lipstick and stuff. Kidding.

A Dire Reminder

2008-02-05T17:56:00.000-06:00

The following were my lab results when I was brought to the ER over three months ago. I am posting this to remind me of how lucky I am to be alive and how far I have come. I still have a long way to go though.
Test Name : EC8
Collected : 13Nov2007 18:38 Last Updated: 13Nov2007 18:50
Accession #: 000000000 ORDIF Number: 0120099935
Result Name Result Abnl Normal Range Units
HEMATOCRIT EC LAB 43 38-51 %PCV
HEMOGLOBIN EC LAB 14.6 12.0-17.0 gm/dL
SODIUM 132 l 137-147 MEQ/L
POTASSIUM 2.2 C 3.5-5.2 MEQ/L
Result Comment:
INFORMED DR. ZEITZ OF CRITICAL K @ 1850. STEFFJ.
Result Name Result Abnl Normal Range Units
CHLORIDE 85 l 98-110 MEQ/L
TOTAL CO2 44 h 24-29 MEQ/L
BUN 29 h 5-26 MG/DL
CREAT RAPID 1.4 0.5-1.5 mg/dL
GLUCOSE 91 60-100 MG/DL
__________________________________

Mcdonalds and You

2008-02-04T14:21:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of my favourite toy when I was little. I am considering purchasing one on EBAY. I wish my family members were more savers rather than throwers.

Monkey Business

2008-02-01T19:45:00.000-06:00

Here is a picture of the tatoo I had inked today.

Puggle Love

2008-02-01T09:08:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of a puggle that I hope to share a part of my life with when the litter arrives in April.

Be Mine

2008-02-01T04:58:00.000-06:00

Looking for a Valentine. The only requirement is that you are a living, breathing being.

Mas Muchas Gracias

2008-01-31T19:58:00.000-06:00

First, I want to thank Gary Russell who brought belongings to me for my unexpected admission to the hospital. He also visited me on Sunday even though I was only in the hospital for four days. However, when I was in the hospital for six weeks, he visited me like clock work every Sunday despite the fact that he has two jobs and attends classes full-time. Finally, I thank him for co-hosting the get together.

Second, I want to thank Perry Ruedy who is hosting the get together at his home and who also visited me several times during my longer hospitilzation.

Finally, I would like to thank Warren Kitzmann, Gary's partner, who helped me become a little more organized after my discharge from the hospital. I couldn't ask for better friends and really do not feel worthy.

A Debt of Gratitude

2008-01-31T03:28:00.000-06:00

This post is dedicated to those who helped me in many ways during my last short hospitalization. First, Dr. Julie Lesser and Dr. Joel Jahraus and that security guard who literally dragged me to 8 North at Methodist Hospital. Had I not been admitted there, I would likely have met a worse fate such as apprehension by sherrifs for transport to a locked psychiatric unit or the State Hospital. Second, I would like to thank Diane who was my admitting nurse. She had to put up with a sobbing, albeit cooperative patient. She handled me with a kindness and gentleness that made my first day less unbearable. Third, I would like to thanks Natalya, Linda, and Sharon, the night nurses who woke me several times during the night to force potassium down my throat. Fourth, I would like to thank Sue who put up with my sobbing and was my nurse for 4 out of the five days that I was an inpatient. Fifth, I would like to thank Valerie who introduced me to the puggle breed of dog. I am planning on sharing my life with one in April when a litter will be available. Sixth, I would like to thank Kelsey, Lee, and Kim, who tolerated my sobbing for several days during my hospitalization. Eighth, I would like to thank Janet from the clergy and Greg from the partial program. Ninth, I would like to thank Casey, Betsey, and Andrea for putting up with all of my questions related to my meal plan. You three are truly angels. Last but not least, I would like to thank my fellow patients who helped me through these harrowing times.

We Must Stop Meeting Like This

2008-01-30T17:36:00.000-06:00

Monday, I start the Intensive Day Program(IDP) at the Emily Program . This is a program that I attend Monday through Thursday from 11-7 and Friday from 7:00 am-3:30 p.m. I hope I am successful in this program. I literally cannot handle another soul-shattering involuntary transport to any hospital. I also filed a motion to have my civil commitment dropped. Finally, this Saturday, some very good friends are having a small get-together for me. Please attend if you are local.

Fool Me Once, Shame On You

2008-01-28T17:31:00.000-06:00

fool me twice, shame on me. Thursday, January 24th began as a typical morning for someone like myself who is unemployed and trying to conquer a chronic, severe eating disorder. I had a bone density exam at 9:30 AM. The preliminary results of this test showed that I had some bone loss probably due to my chronic malnutrition. After the completion of this test, I went to my scheduled outpatient physical therapy appointment which happened to be at the hospital which I fled three weeks prior. For this reason, I had canceled and rescheduled several appointments because I hate going to this hospital and it was always in the back of my minda nagging worry that I might be held if someone saw me from the EDI.

Well that is exactly what happened on this fateful day. As I was finishing with my physical therapy, I heard someone say, "..in here," indicating the room where I was being treated. I then heard the familiar background noises which are emitted from a two-way radio that security guards use. The remaining details are fuzzy because a feeling of extreme dread overcame me. I knew that I was going to be trapped again. What I remember is that the curtains opened and I saw Dr. Joel Jahraus, the medical director of EDI, Dr. Julie Lesser, the psychiatrist and head of the program, and security.

They then came in the room and told me that they needed to put me on a 72 hour hold because they could tell by looking at me that I needed medical attention. I immediately became very upset and began to sob inconsolably. I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare because this could not possibly be happening again. Well it was happening again, but I wasn't going to be so easily persuaded. As I was begging and pleading with the doctors to not do this to me, I was being led up to the dreaded 8 north where EDI is located in the hospital. However, I made a last futile attempt at freedom and tried to bolt. However, the deceptively strong and quick security guard restrained me. I then grabbed onto a door handle and would not let go. That is until the security guards employed a trick which made me quickly release my grip and hurt my hands in the process.

I continued to sob while I was being led up to the 8th floor most of the rest of that day and all of the next day. However, I discovered on Friday that I was going to only be in the hospital until Monday despite the fact that I had lost an alarming amount of weight in a short period of time, my potassium was critically low, and my EKG was abnormal. The reason for the short stay was because I told the treatment team at EDI that I had plans to begin the Emily Program which is another eating disorder day program in the Twin Cities.

I subsequenly discovered that the doctors placing me on a 72 hour hold was a blessing in disguise becasue there was a court order to have the county sherrifs apprehened me and bring me to a locked facility until there was an opening at the State Hospital. This will still be an option if I do not continue to treat my eating disorder.

Isn't That Special

2008-01-14T15:41:00.001-06:00

Sunday, I went to church which I haven't done in many, many years. The church I went to is called All God's Children which is a gay friendly church near my home. The sermon was about change and the new year which really struck a chord with me. However, I couldn't stop thinking about the cool mullets that many of the lesbians were sporting. Hopefully, God will forgive me for these unseemly thoughts.

Was It A Sign?

2008-01-10T22:05:00.000-06:00

The main theme in the production of "Avenue Q" was finding your purpose for which I have been searching a very long time. The main "character" eventually found that his purpose was to help others. That will also be my purpose. Specifically, to help others who suffer with eating disorders. First, I have to help my self a little more and then I can realize my purpose.

Jeremy's Journey- A Male's Battle with Bulimia and Anorexia

The more things change the more they stay the same

Horton Hears a Who

I SHould Have Posted this Many Months Ago

I broke my Santa Coookie Jar

Things I Miss About Christmas

Where is the Christmas Spirit?

So Much to Say

I'm Still Here

Last Day at Stat Fair

37 Years Young

As Judge Judy Would Say.....

Is This Asking Too Much?

Is This Asking Too Much?

Always Remain Hopeful

I Really Wish...

I Really Wish...

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

Son of Ranbow

Still Looking.....

Lawrence Welk

Red Lobster II

Ghost Writer

Wiped Out

Saturday's Thought for the Day

Shasta

Where is my Paul Frank Shirt?

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

Who Knew?

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

Red Lobster

Eating Disorder Thought for the Day

Torture Plan After Invasive Tube

Anoka State Hospital Menu

My Former Torture Plan

Mark Gray

Ross Newlund

Dr. Robin Brown

Dr. Suzanne Witterholt

Hotdish on a Stick

Perfect Pine Cones

People Often Ask Me.....

And A Very Special Thanks...

Mas Thanks are Due...

And How Could I Forget About...

Another Shout Out...

Another Shoutsout Out...

Another Shoutsout Out...

Another Shoutsout Out...

I'm Free

It would be nice if someone reading this would call me

god rest my soul

good night

Please, please, please

All I want........

Still needing visitors

This shit can't be made up..,,.

please.....

Methodist Is Nice Enough

Need More Help

J-Tube

Please Help

In State Hospital

Today is the day.

I Am So Scared...

I Hope This Spreads the Word....

In Case You Missed It

Home Sweet Home....Not!

Tooth Fairy

No Regrets?

Your Hired....?

Lucky Ducky

Stoked

Thanks Are Due Again

Too Much Dramz

The Bitch is Back

Message from Jeremy

Daily Meditation for Eating Disorders-March 10th

Granny's Game Time

Cheap F&*&*

Cheap F&&